I suppose if I were to "illustrate" It would look like this (above). This is from this last year at RISDI ran into a friend today who mentioned my personal paintings . He observed that maybe we replay events from out past, over and over again to get past the reoccurring guilt.
It's very hard for me to illustrate. I'm not sure that people completely understand why since I did major in Illustration (It's a long story). I've always felt more like a painter, because of my personal pursuits and ideas. Many of my illustrator friends fit in well and are getting jobs successfully, because they are GOOD (GREAT in fact) at what they do. If I were to illustrate, I would need some kind of edgy outlet. Like Tim Burton-esque. Or angsty stuff.
I wouldn't say that I make these paintings because of guilt. Most likely, it's part of it because there's a guilt that comes with things unsaid, and undone obviously. I am certain I would feel even more guilty if I stopped pursuing these paintings all together because they're too gloomy. I think it's okay to relish in melancholy from time to time.
What it comes down to is: I need to make these paintings. Not just because I'm angry, sad or hurt. But because there's something to learn from them. With every memory comes an image in my head that I need to make. And with every one there's hope of healing.